impractical11

THE HIGHLY IMPRACTICAL GUIDE TO MUSIC VOLUME 1

I hear a lot of people saying “Hey Johnny Famous, you have music related stuff in your avatar so you clearly know what’s what. So what’s going on with music nowadays? Why is it all shitty and stuff?” Well, firstly, thanks everyone for the compliments that I may or may not have just made up. Secondly, I’ve definitely put some thought into this already. So here goes nothing:

Johnny Famous’ Highly Impractical Guide to Music – Chapter 1: The Timeline of Music History

Now, a wise man once said that you can’t know where you’re going until you know where you came from so let’s look at some of the trends that have happened in the past to bring us to the terrible music of today:

So let’s begin by breaking music down into sections: we have the 00s, the 90s, 80s, 70s, 60s, 50s, and everything before the 50s which I shall refer to as the Jurassic era.

The Jurassic Era (Pre-1950):

Okay, so sometime before the invention of recorded music, we had soul singers. Most black. None ginger (for obvious reasons). These artists wrote about seeing imaginary creatures and were influenced greatly by hallucinogens.

As you can clearly see, this was T-Pain’s great grandfather before the use of auto-tune became mandatory in all songs. They share the same level of popularity and I’m still amazed by it. Moving along

The Birth of Rock (50s):

Now before Elvis was trapped inside of a burrito and the sick fascination of your crazy aunt who smells like old carpet, he was a rock singer.

Now, how did rock differ from Shoeshine Joe above? Well, it all came down to image pretty much. Elvis popularized and perfect the concept of a ridiculous hairdo to great success. All the girls fawned over him for being so different from anything else when in reality, he just established the art of the power chord and soft rock which by today’s standards, everyone would label as either incredibly emo or radio-friendly garbage. Elvis, as you know, turned to drugs and continued the trend of drugs in pop music. He also greatly pushed the trend of dying in your own fecal matter. Moving along!

And then came the Accents… (60s):

Did somebody say Brit-pop? The 1960s saw the beginning of Europe’s terrorist attack on the music industry. The British expanded on Elvis’ soft rock form and somehow bubble-gummed the shit out of it until even the Norah Jones fans were scoffing at it. Moreover, they managed to do this to every single song, inventing the abuse of power chords and quickly learning the effects of creating the same song 50 times. Eventually, they got slightly more creative as they turned to drugs and wrote such fucked up hits as “I am the Walrus” and “Yellow Submarine”. Somehow, they managed to overcome the odds and attract even more repulsive frauen than your aunt.

1970: The return of the terrible haircut:

So after pompadours and bowl cuts, what did you expect the next natural progression was? Clearly this:

Yes, the 70s continued the streak of hippies set out in the 1960s but after the fad of depressant drugs wore off, they clearly switched to something a little peppier as the 70s were all about Disco dancing! Black exploitation returns in this era and weirdly enough, I don’t really have that much to say on this decade so I’ll leave you with this picture for no other reason.

And just when you thought bad haircuts and music couldn’t get any worse, they name a goddamn genre after it (80s):

Hair-metal? In juxtaposition to what? The lead singer of Judas Priest?

Regardless, somehow the 80s became the biggest contradiction in music history as it was the manliest music yet mixed with some of the ugliest women I’ve posted pictures of yet. Let’s take a look at the best of the best.

They sang of sex, drugs and rock and roll and they had to be getting a lot of all three to be encouraged to dress like that every day. Eventually even these guys weren’t provocative enough and MJ had to make an appearance to show them up. But I promised myself I wouldn’t make a Michael Jackson* joke in this article.

*“Smooth Criminal” and “Beat it” were autobiographical

The Grungiest Hair Yet (90s):

The 90s saw a steady plunge in music. It saw the creation of modern “radio friendly” music in terms of bubblegum acoustics. Also, it saw the early conception of the modern-day [insert generic high school fad of today here]. You all know exactly what I’m talking about but I’ll go more in depth with that in the 00s section.

One common theme in the 90s? Everything I’ve talked about thus far went down a notch: musical tempo, haircuts, drugs (not saying there were less drugs. Just more depressing ones). In fact this whole decade was just relatively downbeat. They say that rock music died with Kurt Cobain, but I feel like it was more like a terrorist attack (likely plotted by those damn Brits from the 60s) in which he blew it up himself. Which brings me to the solid decline of the 00s which has had limitless criticism as the decade of terrible music.

The Awful Music You Darn Kids Listen To (00s):

And why wouldn’t it be terrible? What with the evolution of rock music exploded, who would be there to enforce the next terrible haircut? Oh right. These guys:

I mean, let’s be fair that the last one was more representative of the weird spontaneous shit that happened throughout the whole decade than any real musical trend. Bah died eyegress.

The 00s was like a schizophrenic frenzy for who could make the next stupid trend stick. The worst part about this is that the public continued to buy right into every awful song they heard. I mean, it’s really hard to support a decade that made this guy a chart-topper:

Even worse than the emo, rap and auto-tuned hot mess that made up the first half of the decade was the desire for “creativity” in the second led by the one and only, Mother Monster.

Which brings me to the ultimate in hopelessness on this list. The ultimate hot mess who comprises of ripping off the rip-offs. She holds her own in the publicity wars against Gaga, is a clear-cut glittery coke whore who relies on auto-tune. Yes, ladies in gentleman, how can this decade survive when the first number 1 single of the decade belongs to the glittery herpes of this girl:

The Future and Beyond:

So, what have we learned thus far? That music is entirely dependent on drug use and bad haircuts? Absolutely. But along the way, you may have also noticed that we’ve been getting increasingly more dependent on ripping off others and passing it off as your own. Or as they call it professionally, “Taking an idea and building on it”. So I have a sketch of what the future may be like, led by our fearless musical leader, Ke$ha.

This is K@+r!N@ (Katrina for those of you that are too old to fully understand this new fad)

Katrina is an electronic dance-punk singer. She yodels into an autotuned microphone (because Screamo is so 10 years ago). She also raps to appeal to the older generation. And she plays Key-Tar because that’s overdue for a comeback in the mainstream world. Katrina brings peace and glitter from her home-planet, Sexus, while she is sexing up the planet to suit her needs.

She has an eccentric purple hairdo that goes both up, down and sideways. She also wears a birdhouse on her cooch. Nobody has asked her why yet but there are rumors that she’s housing more than just birds down there.

Anyways, I for one welcome our new megastar and highly look forward to her hit singles “Tickle Tickle! Whoa whoa!”, “Dem birds”, and her essential ballad, “Rainbow Sparkles in the Moonlight”. Cause I mean seriously, doesn’t she still sound better than Bieber?

[url=http://www.virtualshenanigans.com/community/Thread-THE-HIGHLY-IMPRACTICAL-GUIDE-TO-MUSIC-VOLUME-1]Want to share your own bit of music history with Johnny or discuss the article? You can do so by clicking here for the thread in our community forum![/url]

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